Saturday, 04 October 2014 00:00

The Top Ten Pokemon Bongs In Pokemon Bong History

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My ex-girlfriend took all her stuff from my place, including the Nintendo 3DS and Pokemon X&Y that I bought her as a present. Therefore my mind has been stuck in this weird state in which every Pokemon I see embodies something horrible about her. That's why I was hesitant about writing this list. I knew it would ultimately lead to me stalking her Facebook page. Good thing she blocked me -- or else she would have received an awkward 'Hey! So I was just thinking about you...' message later tonight. Don't worry, I'm over her -- that's why this list of 'The Top Ten Pokemon Bongs In Pokemon Bong History' is meant for you guys, not her. It was never about her.

10 / The original pokeball

How has no one criticized the root of Pokemon is just a ruthless desire to trap every creature you encounter inside of an orb only to be released when you need instant slave labor? If you replace the word 'Pokemon' with 'Nike sweat shop,' the meaning of the sentence still remains. Damn, that's also a good way to ensure Nike will never advertise on The Stoned Gamer. Good, the only thing Nike has ever done for me is give me a reason to be angry when someone steps on my foot at a bar.


9 / bedazzledemon

This piece looks like it was constructed from reused material at a YMCA. For those international people reading this, the YMCA is a christian organization for young men to get sweaty together and eat free bologna and mustard sandwiches for lunch. It's also important to note there's always an overly-series basketball game going down inside the YMCA at any given point in the day. Every time a soccer dad tears a ligament at the Y, a surgeon gets a new Benz. Sorry international people, that's a phrase we coined in the US. Actually not we, just me -- but you are me and I am you at the same time. We are all one in the multiverse.


8 / the stoned squirtle

If you go by the name 'Squirtle,' I can't envision a society in which you won't be ostracized until you're overwhelmed with depression. Fortunately Squirtle doesn't see us because he's too busy mmm-blocking out the haters. By all standards this piece is pretty dinky in its aesthetics. I mean it's just a glass bong with a little blue thrown in -- however it's Squirtle's dinky bong, and he looks pretty damned stoked that someone took the time to airbrush his image on something that wasn't aimed at 3-year-old demographic.


7 / smokemonator

Ah, the pièce de résistance of Poke ball smoking experiences. I mean it's just absolutely gorgeous to stare at, and no one on the internet knows who it belongs to. Actually now that I've looked at it for much longer than what I should have, I don't have a clue how it works. I imagine the herb goes on the white part to the right, but then what's going down on the left side -- and why is it covered up? My god this mysterious Pokemon bong collection.


6 / Charizard chiefing

Charizard sounds like something that would be done with weed inside a frat house and be rewarded with your name permanently inscribed on a wall. Perhaps you've done a Charizard and you just don't know it. Heck, let's just define what a Charizard is for all future generations to follow. Alright, a Charizard is when you get your friend to light a bong, do a crab walk and then bend your head all the way back so you can clear the chamber upside down. That's what a Charizard is. Now you have another short-term goal to eventually forget about.


5 / even pokemon can't break the glass ceiling

We're not all free unless every Pokemon is released from enslavement, especially the ones trapped inside glass bongs. Now all those little guys are going to know is giant clouds of marijuana smoke surrounding every millimeter of their tiny body. It doesn't sound like such a bad life, actually. If you're going to be enslaved for the rest of your existence, you might as well do it really stoned. Aren't we all just enslaved inside this thing called 'life' anyway? 


4 / the utopian pokemon bong

If Nintendo stopped caring about competing with Microsoft and Sony and focused their attention on marijuana paraphernalia, this bong would undoubtedly shatter all Pokemon merchandise records. In the infinite reality we live in, that parallel universe actually exits somewhere and smoking a Nintendo bong is seen as a rites-of-passage in some third world countries. Damn, why do we have to live in the universe that has Michael Bay directing movies? We got screwed, you guys.


3 / smoking on a cubone

To this Cubeone bong, all I have to say is Rule 34. I know we're still getting to know each other, but promise me that you will never invoke Rule 34 on Cubone, or any other Pokemon from now until the Sun kills the Earth. You will hate yourself for the rest of your life if you don't listen to me. This is critical for your mental survival. Just focus on gawking over how cute this Cubone piece is and that it was crafted by a bong-making genius.


2 / vaporeonizer

The name Vaporeon is just groveling at someone to make a vaporizer in its honor. Some Pokemon enthusiast out there will name their first born Vaporeon, and your future kid will be right there, making fun of him. I'm not sure what I can say about this Vaporeon bong that hasn't already been said about the Sistine Chapel. Every bit of detail on this piece meticulously tells the tale of how Vaporeon found a bong in his lake habitat and has hoarded it from every other Pokemon since that day.


1 / Bubblersaur

Take a look at that genius. I mean it's amazing that Bulbasaur would even take a picture like this. Alright, just kidding (sort of). That's DeMatteo Art holding her handcrafted Bubblersaur, and her work has made four slots in our list of The Top Ten Pokemon Bongs In Pokemon Bong History. If after looking at her Facebook you don't think she's the greatest pop culture bong maker to ever exist, then I can never believe another word of what you have to say, ever. Check out more of her work on her Tumblr page. It's worth your while, stoned gamer.


Zeus is represented by Galactus in his avatar image because he has an immature obsession with Marvel when they went all sci-fi back in the mid 80s. I'm the creator of The Stoned Gamer, MiddleEasy, and Nickelodeon's The Adventures of Pete and Pete. Just kidding about the Nickelodeon stuff, but that would be really cool. I also produced nutty things for MERRY JANE, and a former writer for High Times Magazine.

Twitter: @Tipado | This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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