Tuesday, 14 October 2014 00:00

The Top Ten Super Mario Smoking Devices That Nintendo Definitely Doesn’t Know About

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In this world there are stoners, gamers, and stoned gamers. If someone you meet doesn’t fit inside those categories then you probably shouldn’t be friends with them. Besides, they will never be able to create or appreciate ridiculous pieces like the ones on our list of ‘The Top Ten Super Mario Smoking Devices That Nintendo Definitely Doesn’t Know About.'

10 / The Tribal Mario

If civilization collapsed and future humans chose to model society after the Super Mario universe, this pipe is what tribal shamans would use to connect with the digital past. From the clean black lines etched into the piece to the psychedelic swirls around the bowl, just looking at it makes you want to hop right into an ayahuasca ceremony in hopes that Yoshi will tell you the meaning of life.


9 / The Super Mario World Within The Super Mario World

If this list was ‘The Top Ten Super Mario Bongs That You Will Most Likely Cut Your Fingers On While Packing The Bowl,’ then this piece would undoubtedly come in at number one. There’s also a good chance your attention span will fade away midway through that title because it’s just entirely too damn long.


8 / The Super Maori

Similar to the piece in our number ten spot, this bong appears to be conceived in order to honor the great Maori tradition – of smoking weed on the beaches while doing a Haka War Dance. There’s a lot of stuff going on in this thing, from Bullet Bill adoring the top of the piece to Shy Guy greeting you near the stem. Good effort from this stoned gamer.


7 / The Universe Under Bowser

This bong would have gotten a higher score if it were not for the strange eye at the top of the neck. Anatomy means nothing in the Super Mario universe and this disjointed eye is as out of place as the weird claw hand for a base. Apparently this is the type of world we can expect if Bowser successfully kidnapped the princess, and it’s a very dark place.


6 / The Rainbow Road

This bubbler would be in stock if Rainbow Road in Mario Kart had a gift shop right at the entrance of the course. Just looking at it puts you in some sort of meditative trance that always ends up with you envisioning what it would be like to drive in Mario Kart. Well it’s not a fun place. In the Mario Kart universe, a banana peel will make your car spin out of control. In the world we live in, all they do is attract ants and give of weird smells. Advantage: our universe.


5 / the rarest mario pipe

Yeah, I want this pipe too and we all will have to grasp the fact that we will never be able to own it at any point in our lifetime. It was a custom one-off piece and it will never be made again – unless someone completely rips off the design which isn’t that hard to do. Alright, just kidding, you can get it on Etsy from Hedcraft for $89.95.


4 / Mario is on a tad more than marijuana

Sure this piece embodies everything of the Super Mario world in a well-crafted bong, but look at those eyes on Mario. It’s like he just finished taking 14 hits of LSD and decided the best thing to do with his time is to circumnavigate the neck of a bong for the rest of eternity. Those pupils are so big that you can see the meaning of life in them. This Mario, the world’s most ambitious psychonaut.


3 / The Judgemental Yoshi

Every time you take a hit from this pipe, Yoshi will stare at you and question the choices you’ve made in life. It’s cool though, you can turn it on him and criticize why he’s such a pushover and lets Mario and Lugi ride on top of him. Yoshi is better than that, but he just doesn’t know it because he’s a Japanese dinosaur that doesn’t talk.


2 / The trippiest super mario bubbler

This psychedelic apparition of the Super Mario universe is stunning to look at. The fact that every line of art on this piece takes on a strange curve almost transports you back to the time when you accidentally ate your big brother’s mushrooms because you thought they were cheese sticks. Oh, that hasn’t happened to you? Well then, your childhood was repressed, and not filled with unsolicited hallucinogenic journeys.


1 / The quintessential super mario bong

If the Earth was dying and humanity had one chance to shoot a capsule into space in order to preserve some of the greatest creations our culture has ever achieved, this Super Mario bong would be inside, meticulously covered in bubble wrap. This piece has everything, from the turtle shell base to the Chain Chomp with an actual metal chain. Nintendo should get the rights to this if they know what’s good for them. Alright, if they get really stoned and know what’s good for them. Props to DeMatteo Art on grabbing the number one spot on our list of The Top Ten Super Mario Smoking Devices That Nintendo Definitely Doesn’t Know About.


Zeus is represented by Galactus in his avatar image because he has an immature obsession with Marvel when they went all sci-fi back in the mid 80s. I'm the creator of The Stoned Gamer, MiddleEasy, and Nickelodeon's The Adventures of Pete and Pete. Just kidding about the Nickelodeon stuff, but that would be really cool. I also produced nutty things for MERRY JANE, and a former writer for High Times Magazine.

Twitter: @Tipado

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