9.1 Game Rating - FIFA 15

Do you like the Batman Arkham and/or the Assassin’s Creed series? If so, stop reading. Go buy Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor right now. Put down the spliff, get off of your sofa and get to your local video game store now. Or even better, download the game in digital form on PC/Xbox One/PS4. If you are looking for an epic game with the best fighting mechanics you have ever used and some stealth, this is it.

Poor Wii. It's like it never had the chance to be upgraded to a next-gen console. Still, with games for like Super Smash Bros, Hyrule Warriors, Mario Kart 8, and the new Legend of Zelda which is scheduled to debut in 2015 for the Wii-U, it still may be more enjoyable than anything Sony and Microsoft are offering at this point. Still, with a 2013 launch date, slumping sales, and lack of developer support, the Wii-U missed the next-gen boat -- but they don't care. They're friggin' Nintendo. At the end of the day, they deal the cards for the entire gaming industry to follow.

I think we all need to come to an agreement that Bioshock was one of the most ground breaking first-person shooters to ever be released, and while Bioshock Infinite was a beefy sequel (we don't count Bioshock 2 being an actual sequel, for various reasons), it wasn't as robust of an experience as the original. That's all being based on my ability to discern the ending of Bioshock Infinite far sooner than the first game. Anyone that has followed any of Gene Roddenberry's work could see the quantum physics angle coming from a mile away -- or perhaps it saw us coming from a mile away. Technically we saw each other coming from a mile away and 10,000 miles away. The spatial realm is pretty irrelevant in quantum theory -- but you're a stoned gamer, you already knew that.

Quite frankly I'm not sure who or what informed me that Qora was released on Steam a few days ago, but if someone told me that I manifested the game out of my sheer desire for an experience like this, it wouldn't be that far fetched.

Saturday, 04 October 2014 00:00

The Top Ten Pokemon Bongs In Pokemon Bong History

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My ex-girlfriend took all her stuff from my place, including the Nintendo 3DS and Pokemon X&Y that I bought her as a present. Therefore my mind has been stuck in this weird state in which every Pokemon I see embodies something horrible about her. That's why I was hesitant about writing this list. I knew it would ultimately lead to me stalking her Facebook page. Good thing she blocked me -- or else she would have received an awkward 'Hey! So I was just thinking about you...' message later tonight. Don't worry, I'm over her -- that's why this list of 'The Top Ten Pokemon Bongs In Pokemon Bong History' is meant for you guys, not her. It was never about her.

Sometimes I think the meaning of life is just a very long realization that I will never be able to date Kristin Kreuk. That's all life wants me to get from this entire experience, simply my complete understanding that Kreuk and I will never cross paths. If that's the true meaning of my life, then I reject it. There will be a day when I eventually meet Kristin Kreuk -- and when that day comes, I'll play it off like I don't even know her.

I'm the only maniac that would start an entire video game site without owning a next-gen console. Granted, I do have in possession a hefty amount of next-gen marijuana from Los Angeles, so in the end it balances the stoned gamer equation. The real question you have to ask yourself is would you rather have the highest grade of cannabis ever made or the most technologically-advanced console on the planet. You can only choose one in this hypothetical universe I just created. Failure to do so will result in the death of all newborns and toddlers -- and no one wants that on their resume.

I hope I live to see the day when accomplishments like 'I participated in the beta of Ultima Online' is widely-viewed as a distinct attribute in a human being.

The longer we progress down the path of video games, the more haphazard incidents we'll witness of stoners modifying their console of choice with weed ornaments. It's not about aesthetic perfection as much as it's about showing your friends and family that you've illustrated your undying love for marijuana in the most flamboyant way possible. The flexibility to manifest a gaming console into a piece of art is something that only becomes apparent when you're three bong hits into your Monday afternoon. To honor these ambitious feats of shrine building, we've created a list of The Top Ten Most Unnecessary Weed Modifications to an Xbox 360, only on The Stoned Gamer.

Monday, 29 September 2014 00:00

420 Character Reviews: FIFA 15

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9.1 Game Rating - FIFA 15

i really wanted pes 2015 to be a better soccer simulation than fifa 15, but it's not. every year ea sports produces the greatest soccer game known to humankind and its competitors can do nothing but stare in awe. in fifa 15 we see a huge overhaul to the graphic engine along with something known as 'emotional intelligence' which sounds like something your significant other would hold against you in an argument. buy!

The concept of a spawn point is the single most important religious construct developed by humanity in the past two hundred years, and no one has identified its eschatological purpose in the universe. Don't look at me for an explanation, either. I can only regurgitate existentialism from guys like Hegel, Kierkegaard, and Nietzsche in order to theorize what their opinion would be of a spawn point. It may seem trivial, but I can offer one original theory along with a claim that Bungie's Destiny explains the afterlife better than any other first-person shooter. I can't guarantee that you're going to agree with me, however I can guarantee that if you don't agree, you're wrong.

Monday, 29 September 2014 00:00

One Way Trip is highly disturbing, and we love it

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If you ever ingested a psychedelic and thought you were rapidly plummeting towards death, One Way Trip wants to reassure you that your initial fears were actually true. You died during your first mushroom trip, and all of what you're experiencing is your version of the afterlife. You can wake up from your hallucination at any time you chose and accept that you're now a seamless part of the infinite and you will never be able to return to this planet as a corporeal human being.

Monday, 29 September 2014 00:00

Smoking Steam: Down the rabbit hole of Marvel Heroes 2015

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Since this is The Stoned Gamer's inaugural installment of 'Smoking Steam,' I must admit this feature would not exist if Steam's logo didn't look like a well-constructed hash pipe. The fact that no one has made a smoking device in the shape of that thing is troublesome to say the last. Some glassblower needs to steal my idea and just send me one -- there's no need to bring royalties into this. As you can see in the banner, we took Steam's logo and slightly modified it while leaving the TM insignia on it. We're probably going to get a cease-and-desist letter by the time you finish this, but let's hope Steam has better things to do -- like take my money every month.

Monday, 29 September 2014 00:00

The Top Ten Unintentionally Psychedelic Box Covers

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I could let this list autopilot on every Sega Saturn game released in 1996 and still have a hefty top ten for you. That was back when Del The Funkee Homosapien was criticizing game developer Bernie Stolar for claiming 2-D games were 'too nerdy,' a statement that ultimately was the beginning of the end for Sega Saturn. However this list isn't about failed Sega consoles. Well maybe in part it is, but the point I'm driving home is The Stoned Gamer comprised a list of The Top Ten Unintentionally Psychedelic Box Covers, and you really need to see it -- or die. Or not see it and die. You're still dying anyway, so you should probably read this list before you kick the bucket.

Claiming something is "A science-fiction game set in an infinite procedurally generated universe" is another way of shoving your hand in my pocket, yanking out $59.99, and breaking my phone in the process because let's face it, I won't be needing it for at least a month. There will be no sunshine in my life. All adult responsibilities will casually be outsourced by procrastination when Hello Games' 'No Man's Sky' arrives on my Playstation 4 (that I don't even own) in 2015.

Sunday, 28 September 2014 00:00

The slow devolution of Duels of the Planewalkers (Part I)

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Five years from now when the sequential parts of this article runs into the triple digits, I'll admit that The Stoned Gamer was just created so that I could have a place to vent about Wizards of the Coasts' Duels of the Planeswalker.

There's nothing more depressing than using bud and videogames to escape your problems only to realize that you've unlocked a new set of weed-related issues in the digital universe you veered into. It's an increasing problem in the gaming industry -- marijuana has always been cool, and your favorite videogames want to hop on the ganja bandwagon. However when the virtual marijuana you inhale causes more stress in both the video game realm and your world, it's just downright depressing.

I originally wrote this list for High Times earlier this year, but there was alot of material that incidentally was left out. Therefore here is the complete and unedited list of The Top Ten Most Depressing Weed Moments in Videogame History.

Saturday, 27 September 2014 00:00

420 Character Reviews - Destiny

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8.7 Game Rating - Destiny

It's impossible for Bungie to screw up a fps, so naturally everyone expects the best from the inventor of Halo. Destiny is what Halo should have been before Microsoft and Bungie parted ways. It's Halo infused with Star Wars and Borderlands, with a hint of the hyper-paced action of CoD. The multiplayer is perfected, but the storyline is brain-numbingly confusing and forgettable. Still, you should be playing this.

I used to get detentions in junior high school for stuffing my backpack full of High Times magazines and now over a decade later some kid is getting reprimanded for brandishing one of my High Times feature articles. Words can't even begin to express how incredibly surreal this cycle of stonership truly is.