In a perfect universe, 2013 Miss Norway would be the President of the United States, vegan marijuana edibles would be subsidized by the government, the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would have never been made, Hypercolor shirts would be required for every street gang, and all game developers would realize that fast-twitch arcade gameplay on a mobile device is just entirely too neurotic for the average stoned gamer.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014 00:00

Behold, the world's first Steampunk PlayStation 4

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I was first introduced to Kyle Miller back in 2011 when he made an impromptu steampunk vaporizer for my old site. Seriously, the guy manifested an elaborate Advanced Herbal Matter Diffuser that appeared to be crafted from the leftover juice of Tim Burton's brain. I'm fairly certain the brain contains juice, although I've never drank any of it. I don't like my beverages tasting intelligent, give me the dumb stuff that's going to set humanity back 500 years -- like Brawndo.

The only reason I know The Wolf Among Us is not just a good game, but an emotionally gripping and well-crafted epic is due to my friend having a severe nervous breakdown inside the confines of my living room midway through Episode 4. Only it was the kind of mental implosion that's reserved for individuals who heroically crossed the barriers of this dimension through the use a highly-potent psychedelic. My friend, however, was only under the influence of marijuana. Well, marijuana and Fabletown.

The worst trip I've ever witnessed from a psychedelic was so intense that the person gave up all drugs and became a devout Christian the very next day.

And let's face it, who doesn't like teddy bear explosions and skull swords?

If any intellectual property has aliens or time travel wedged in then it has my undivided attention, unless Kristin Kreuk walks in my field of vision. Then I would have to pitch my idea of her collaborating with Mobb Deep to produce a song called 'There's no such thing as half-way Kreuks' based on a lyric from their 1995 hit 'Shook Ones.' Sure I'll eventually get to the part where I reveal I'm her soul mate and that her life was designed solely to meet me, but in the meantime we will need to stick with esoteric hip-hop mash-ups.

Every time I read the term 'procedurally generated world,' I can't help but think it's just a game developer's way of telling their audience that everyone inside the studio took an incredible amount of mescaline and the potpourri of dimensions they witnessed will be translated directly into the game. At least one can only hope that's the case -- one day we'll get a developer to admit their entire game was inspired by a psychedelic trip, but in the meantime we'll just make wild assumptions and accept them as truth. Just like FOX News.

I would rather my worst enemy be deported to the Galapagos Archipelago only to be thrown inside a volcano and on the way down have his eyeballs plucked out by every one of Darwin's finches than to deal with one day of anxiety.

Remember those times when you were a kid and you spent your summer nights imagining what it would be like to fit snugly inside of a toaster? If you answered yes to that, then my god you needed a hobby when you were a kid. Something to take your mind off the sensation of being burned with molten iron coils contained within a plastic box assembled in China. Claustrophobia never was a problem for you. In fact you would prefer to sit in the middle of the backseat during long road trips. Sun screen meant nothing to you.

Hatred is a game about being armed to the brim with a seemingly infinite amount of ammunition and slaying every bipedal human you see -- and that makes it like nearly every other game that's been released in the past two decades.

The primary attribute of an astute stoned gamer is to discover the perfect equilibrium between being stoned and gaming, and then remain there for the rest of your natural (and unnatural) life. If one can achieve this perfect state of being, the universe will shower down cosmic rewards, usually in the form of $5 bills found in the pockets of long-forgotten jeans along with highly-discounted games nestled in the corners of Gamestop. That's what you can look towards if you're a stoned gamer, and for most the future looks bright.

In this world there are stoners, gamers, and stoned gamers. If someone you meet doesn’t fit inside those categories then you probably shouldn’t be friends with them. Besides, they will never be able to create or appreciate ridiculous pieces like the ones on our list of ‘The Top Ten Super Mario Smoking Devices That Nintendo Definitely Doesn’t Know About.'

"Hohokum", a game filled with colors, creatures, and dives into what every stoner loves, exploring. Before "No Man's Sky" is able to satisfy that need for an infinite amount of time (as featured previously on TSG), this Playstation exclusive may give your attention span exactly what it needs to stop bothering you at night (and during the day). Hohokum gives a player the boundaries of their screen of choice but outside of that, you can find yourself giving people rides to the water park or activating mushrooms to interact with the characters around you or just to light the screen up with different colors. Collecting eyeballs for the old hippie guy in the first level enables you to become part of this collective unit. You are part of the game because you allow the wheels to turn. While everything might not be gloomy when you first come into the level, you're still making things happen, in some strange way.

Back in 2010 I submitted a story to Choose Your Own Adventure of a guy that had to leave his entire family behind to become an MMA fighter. This is when I still owned MiddleEasy, the world's biggest independent MMA site. Yes, that was a shameless plug for my former site -- but now I have to focus on TheStonedGamer and leave the past behind, like when Dr. Brown realized he didn't want to go to his original time in Back to the Future 3.

One day we will live in a world in which a committee of elders will get together inside a masonic temple and develop a storyline for Geometry Wars. It will foretell the end of the universe and accurately give us a model on the meaning of reality and what it is to exist. It will be the greatest story every told, as well as the most factual account of our own origins. When that day comes, humans will fully comprehend the concept of peace and the entire practice of war will cease to exist. Even its definition will be completely eradicated from the dictionary. Currency will be abolished, poverty will be a thing of the past, and nitrogen in the atmosphere will be replaced with THC. This is utopia, stoned gamer, and it all begins with Geometry Wars.

If you're reading this then there's a good chance that I will beat you in any Crucible match in Destiny. If the game allowed solo PvP, then forget about it. You have a greater chance of growing a prehensile tail than defeating me at any competitive match-up in Destiny. Seriously, if any of you guys are playing on Xbox Live and want my personal gamertag to evaluate these claims, let me know in the comment section and I'll happily provide it. Folks, it's not arrogance if it's true. Step your game up, young FPS padawan.

Grand Theft Auto V may be hitting your next-gen console of choice at some point in 2015, but its predecessor undoubtedly has the largest modding community from any open-world game in history. This list could have easily been a top 100, but that would require far too much of my time, and I have an ample amount of Destiny to play today. Besides, I would have to edit that snazzy 'Top10List' graphic I made for the banner, and no one want to see that happen. Stop trying to make me do more work than what's necessary. My head hurts already, and I blame this all on you.

However I did make this list of The Top Ten GTA IV mods that were probably created by stoners, because at the end of the day you mean so much to mean. More than taking a shower in the morning, or brushing my teeth. You don't mean more to me than the bagel I just ate, since that came first in today's line-up. It was tasty. Now check out this wonderful and exclusive top ten list, only at TheStonedGamer.com.

9.1 Game Rating - FIFA 15

Do you like the Batman Arkham and/or the Assassin’s Creed series? If so, stop reading. Go buy Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor right now. Put down the spliff, get off of your sofa and get to your local video game store now. Or even better, download the game in digital form on PC/Xbox One/PS4. If you are looking for an epic game with the best fighting mechanics you have ever used and some stealth, this is it.

Poor Wii. It's like it never had the chance to be upgraded to a next-gen console. Still, with games for like Super Smash Bros, Hyrule Warriors, Mario Kart 8, and the new Legend of Zelda which is scheduled to debut in 2015 for the Wii-U, it still may be more enjoyable than anything Sony and Microsoft are offering at this point. Still, with a 2013 launch date, slumping sales, and lack of developer support, the Wii-U missed the next-gen boat -- but they don't care. They're friggin' Nintendo. At the end of the day, they deal the cards for the entire gaming industry to follow.

I think we all need to come to an agreement that Bioshock was one of the most ground breaking first-person shooters to ever be released, and while Bioshock Infinite was a beefy sequel (we don't count Bioshock 2 being an actual sequel, for various reasons), it wasn't as robust of an experience as the original. That's all being based on my ability to discern the ending of Bioshock Infinite far sooner than the first game. Anyone that has followed any of Gene Roddenberry's work could see the quantum physics angle coming from a mile away -- or perhaps it saw us coming from a mile away. Technically we saw each other coming from a mile away and 10,000 miles away. The spatial realm is pretty irrelevant in quantum theory -- but you're a stoned gamer, you already knew that.

Quite frankly I'm not sure who or what informed me that Qora was released on Steam a few days ago, but if someone told me that I manifested the game out of my sheer desire for an experience like this, it wouldn't be that far fetched.

Saturday, 04 October 2014 00:00

The Top Ten Pokemon Bongs In Pokemon Bong History

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My ex-girlfriend took all her stuff from my place, including the Nintendo 3DS and Pokemon X&Y that I bought her as a present. Therefore my mind has been stuck in this weird state in which every Pokemon I see embodies something horrible about her. That's why I was hesitant about writing this list. I knew it would ultimately lead to me stalking her Facebook page. Good thing she blocked me -- or else she would have received an awkward 'Hey! So I was just thinking about you...' message later tonight. Don't worry, I'm over her -- that's why this list of 'The Top Ten Pokemon Bongs In Pokemon Bong History' is meant for you guys, not her. It was never about her.

Sometimes I think the meaning of life is just a very long realization that I will never be able to date Kristin Kreuk. That's all life wants me to get from this entire experience, simply my complete understanding that Kreuk and I will never cross paths. If that's the true meaning of my life, then I reject it. There will be a day when I eventually meet Kristin Kreuk -- and when that day comes, I'll play it off like I don't even know her.

I'm the only maniac that would start an entire video game site without owning a next-gen console. Granted, I do have in possession a hefty amount of next-gen marijuana from Los Angeles, so in the end it balances the stoned gamer equation. The real question you have to ask yourself is would you rather have the highest grade of cannabis ever made or the most technologically-advanced console on the planet. You can only choose one in this hypothetical universe I just created. Failure to do so will result in the death of all newborns and toddlers -- and no one wants that on their resume.

I hope I live to see the day when accomplishments like 'I participated in the beta of Ultima Online' is widely-viewed as a distinct attribute in a human being.

The longer we progress down the path of video games, the more haphazard incidents we'll witness of stoners modifying their console of choice with weed ornaments. It's not about aesthetic perfection as much as it's about showing your friends and family that you've illustrated your undying love for marijuana in the most flamboyant way possible. The flexibility to manifest a gaming console into a piece of art is something that only becomes apparent when you're three bong hits into your Monday afternoon. To honor these ambitious feats of shrine building, we've created a list of The Top Ten Most Unnecessary Weed Modifications to an Xbox 360, only on The Stoned Gamer.

Monday, 29 September 2014 00:00

420 Character Reviews: FIFA 15

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9.1 Game Rating - FIFA 15

i really wanted pes 2015 to be a better soccer simulation than fifa 15, but it's not. every year ea sports produces the greatest soccer game known to humankind and its competitors can do nothing but stare in awe. in fifa 15 we see a huge overhaul to the graphic engine along with something known as 'emotional intelligence' which sounds like something your significant other would hold against you in an argument. buy!

The concept of a spawn point is the single most important religious construct developed by humanity in the past two hundred years, and no one has identified its eschatological purpose in the universe. Don't look at me for an explanation, either. I can only regurgitate existentialism from guys like Hegel, Kierkegaard, and Nietzsche in order to theorize what their opinion would be of a spawn point. It may seem trivial, but I can offer one original theory along with a claim that Bungie's Destiny explains the afterlife better than any other first-person shooter. I can't guarantee that you're going to agree with me, however I can guarantee that if you don't agree, you're wrong.

Monday, 29 September 2014 00:00

One Way Trip is highly disturbing, and we love it

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If you ever ingested a psychedelic and thought you were rapidly plummeting towards death, One Way Trip wants to reassure you that your initial fears were actually true. You died during your first mushroom trip, and all of what you're experiencing is your version of the afterlife. You can wake up from your hallucination at any time you chose and accept that you're now a seamless part of the infinite and you will never be able to return to this planet as a corporeal human being.

Monday, 29 September 2014 00:00

Smoking Steam: Down the rabbit hole of Marvel Heroes 2015

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Since this is The Stoned Gamer's inaugural installment of 'Smoking Steam,' I must admit this feature would not exist if Steam's logo didn't look like a well-constructed hash pipe. The fact that no one has made a smoking device in the shape of that thing is troublesome to say the last. Some glassblower needs to steal my idea and just send me one -- there's no need to bring royalties into this. As you can see in the banner, we took Steam's logo and slightly modified it while leaving the TM insignia on it. We're probably going to get a cease-and-desist letter by the time you finish this, but let's hope Steam has better things to do -- like take my money every month.

Monday, 29 September 2014 00:00

The Top Ten Unintentionally Psychedelic Box Covers

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I could let this list autopilot on every Sega Saturn game released in 1996 and still have a hefty top ten for you. That was back when Del The Funkee Homosapien was criticizing game developer Bernie Stolar for claiming 2-D games were 'too nerdy,' a statement that ultimately was the beginning of the end for Sega Saturn. However this list isn't about failed Sega consoles. Well maybe in part it is, but the point I'm driving home is The Stoned Gamer comprised a list of The Top Ten Unintentionally Psychedelic Box Covers, and you really need to see it -- or die. Or not see it and die. You're still dying anyway, so you should probably read this list before you kick the bucket.

Claiming something is "A science-fiction game set in an infinite procedurally generated universe" is another way of shoving your hand in my pocket, yanking out $59.99, and breaking my phone in the process because let's face it, I won't be needing it for at least a month. There will be no sunshine in my life. All adult responsibilities will casually be outsourced by procrastination when Hello Games' 'No Man's Sky' arrives on my Playstation 4 (that I don't even own) in 2015.

Sunday, 28 September 2014 00:00

The slow devolution of Duels of the Planewalkers (Part I)

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Five years from now when the sequential parts of this article runs into the triple digits, I'll admit that The Stoned Gamer was just created so that I could have a place to vent about Wizards of the Coasts' Duels of the Planeswalker.

There's nothing more depressing than using bud and videogames to escape your problems only to realize that you've unlocked a new set of weed-related issues in the digital universe you veered into. It's an increasing problem in the gaming industry -- marijuana has always been cool, and your favorite videogames want to hop on the ganja bandwagon. However when the virtual marijuana you inhale causes more stress in both the video game realm and your world, it's just downright depressing.

I originally wrote this list for High Times earlier this year, but there was alot of material that incidentally was left out. Therefore here is the complete and unedited list of The Top Ten Most Depressing Weed Moments in Videogame History.