After I finish watching a Guy Ritchie film, a week follows where I use terms like ‘bloke’, ‘bollocks’, and ‘rubbish.’ Guy Ritchie knows how to make British gangsters look so damn cool. I’ll sit on my couch and start imagining plans to infiltrate my local bookies. Every British crime film should list ‘delusions of grandeur’ as a side-effect. I don’t think any of my friends have the ‘minerals’ to actually join me on one of these criminal outings because a lot of them have kids, which is tragic. I need something to quell these criminal aspirations before I re-watch Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrells -- there will be no holding me back.
That's right, six free indie games are being delivered to you compliments of the same technology that you use to illegally download UFC fights.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in a world more inhospitable than Antarctica, the Amazon jungle, and California? Vortex: The Gateway simulates what your experience would probably be like and, let’s be honest, it’s terrifying. I would love to go on a rant on why the current culture of safe spaces is undoubtedly the sole cause our next dimensions would-be demise, but I have a more interesting game to talk about. It’s not like you would heed my warnings, anyway.
This past weekend EA hosted yet another double XP weekend for Star Wars: Battlefront and while I was sick for most of it, when I did remember to actually sit down and play the game it felt more like a chore than fun. Why is that? Because that game sorely lacks in content, making a single sitting with the game just the same maps, same factions, same weapons and same vehicles without fail. Even the fun Fighter Squadron mode that allows you to battle it out in the same few maps as the rest of the game instead allows you to solely focus on small fighter-based combat. The problem is that there are only two factions and that both factions only have two ships available, with the differences between some of them being negligible (Tie Fighter and Tie Interceptor), or hilarious (the X-Wing lacks in maneuverability compared to the A-Wing).
A part of me gets pretty bummed out when I get really mad at someone who went out there, created something on their own (or with a small team) and really tried. I know how that can be, how difficult it is and how maddening it can be after you’ve been working on something for a long time and keep asking, “but is this any good?” Friends and family will probably be nice no matter what, someone might be critical here and there but it will be such a sharp, stark contrast to all of the glowing reviews that everyone else has given you that it’s hard to look at it and say, “well shit, this is right, I need to do a ton more work on this.”
You never truly realize how insignificant your existence is until you place a black hole near our solar system and watch everything, including light, be engulfed in its void in just a few decades.
When you ask someone who loves the XCOM games what their favorite part is you’ll probably get a few different answers in return. There’s a lot to love about the tactical XCOM series, but for me, it’s always been the weird bonds that you build with your squad. XCOM 2 does a wonderful job of letting you build your own game through it’s character pool, allowing you to create and customize your characters while also giving them backstories and as much detail as you want.
Life is Strange is a game that has been sort of divisive among the gaming populace. Some view it as a bold, brave venture out into the world of interactive storytelling. Some view some of the depictions of the very real situations in the game as “troubling,” mostly because it was a game about teen girls written by grown ass white guys that goes to some eye-rolling places. Others get upset about feminist storylines invading their games, while some feminists are saying, “hey, this isn’t my game, bub.” Overall, there’s been a lot of talk over Life is Strange and a lot of that talk is what finally drove me to actually play said game.
I tried learning Arabic once. I learned a lot of words but I lacked the knowledge to form complete sentences. My communication skills could’ve been compared to a 3 year-old Arabic child. The sole reason for my quest of learning another language was the assumption that it would get me a lot of Arabic tail. It didn’t work out as I had hope. Yet… yet, through my lessons, I found a true appreciation for Islamic architecture, music, and culture. Because my aspirations of breaking the heart of some beautiful Islamic girl never came to fruition, my interest in the language waned and i instead stuck to learning Hindi and chasing Indian women.
One of the names in game development that I’ve always considered a heavy has been Peter Molyneux. Molyneux is perhaps best known as the guy behind a lot of those “god simulation” games, like Populous, Black & White, Theme Park and Godus. Well, he was also responsible for the Fable series, but that really wasn’t a god sim, was it? Anyway, the founding of his new company, 22cans and departure from Lionhead and Microsoft made some big waves within the game industry. What was one of the most influential developers of our time going to do now? The answer was Godus and Godus was and still is kind of disappointing.
While I have absolutely no experience, I am sure that being a first time parent is one of the most daunting things in life. You have the sole responsibility of a new human being. The most frightening thing, at least to me, is that so many things can kill your newborn baby. Pets, falling objects, minor bumps, exposure to Julia Stiles movies have all been blamed for newborn baby deaths. It’s no laughing matter. We have to get rid of Julia Stiles and her work once and for all.
I’m sure by now you’ve heard about Jonathan’s Blow’s new game, the Witness. If not, it’s a puzzler from the mind of Jonathan Blow, the creator of the Xbox Live Arcade megahit Braid from 2008. Blow’s game has been in development for years now, with some even getting a hands on of an early version of the game as far back as 2010, so needless to say, this game has been in development for quite a while and was a labor of love for Blow and the team that he assembled. The reviews are in and all that anyone can really say is that it’s fantastic, challenging and worthy of the $40 price tag.
A big part of gaming on PC has been the ability to modify the games that are available in all sorts of crazy, wacky ways. There are some weird things that tend to happen with major game releases and hey, there are almost always nudity mods or mods that give women ample assets, so to speak, but at times there are those that add to a game in such an outrageous way that it’s difficult to ignore.
So these are some of the most outrageous or just downright incredible mods from 2015. That means released in 2015 or tweaked in a significant way in 2015.
I’m going to admit something and it’s not something that I’m proud of, but here we go. I spent a whole bunch of years rapt under the hypnotic trance of combat sports and everything that went with them. Over the years I made some good friends, met some good people, but I also met some of the absolute worst people imaginable and their residual bile is still being cleaned out of my system to this day. The sports themselves I could take or leave, they have their big ups and downs, I made some money and gained some notoriety there, which is cool and I’m grateful for, but man, dark days.
The career choice of wandering the Earth while being a painter that's profitable enough to support his/her lifestyle is one of the biggest fictions culture ever pulled. If you had a Liberal Arts major in college then you were one of the unfortunate individuals that actually bought into the myth. Now you're just a 30-something that backpacked across Europe years ago but now live in your parent's basement while you suck up their bandwidth with BluRay torrents and episodes of The Bachelor.
The number of times I played River City Ransom is congruent to the amount of times I inserted a quarter in NBA Jam only to remember that I needed two quarters to start playing. The final quarter, stuck into a machine that only accepts two credits. God damn brilliant plan to rob a generation of kids of their allowance. With enough time in any given day after school, arcades across the country were littered with single credits. Arcades were helplessly stuck on 'Insert Coin' screens, and all kids could hope to do was assemble the missing quarter of someone's long-forgotten game. Those days are finished, and so is Technōs Japan, the makers of River City Ransom along with one of the most underrated sports games in 8-bit history, Super Dodge Ball. Now, 27 years the franchise is being renewed with River City Ransom: Underground, and everyone under 30-years-old has no idea what this is all about.
When I first put together this shambling hulk of a PC a few years ago my first goal was to pick up some games that I had missed out on in my PC-less years. One of such games that was a must-buy for me was FTL: Faster Than Light. I’ve always loved science fiction (duh) and strategy games and FTL looked like it brought something else to the table. Labeling whatever subgenre of game that FTL was seemed difficult at the time, but it was labeled a “roguelike” for lack of better explanation and because of the randomly generated space systems that players would encounter on their quest to destroying the rebels.
When I was a kid my next door neighbor gave me my first Iron Man comic and on the cover read 'In space no one can hear you scream.' Ever since that day I never read another Iron Man comic. It was just too vast of a statement to comprehend at such an early age. Why would someone be screaming in space? The thought was dreadful. Even more daunting was in that person's complete horror, no one would even know what they were afraid of.
I've tried finding the Iron Man cover but all that Google locates is a quote from The Martian. It would take me hours to find that cover, and fortunately I have better things to do with my time. Just kidding, I spent the last hour of my life reading the negative reviews of That Dragon, Cancer. I'm an Olympian of wasting time.
On July 20th, 2009 my sister called me while I was settling in at work for the day. At the time, I worked at an ungodly hour of 6am, but that is 6am Mountain Time. Yeah, Mountain Time. That’s a real thing, sometimes I have to explain that to people. Yes, there is a Central Time, but that in between Pacific and Central is Mountain. She was back home, in the Northeast, and her even calling me was weird, never mind at 6:12am on a Monday. Obviously something was wrong. That or she had dialed me on accident.
Rick and Morty is one of my favorite shows of all time. It’s just…sensational. If you haven’t watched it yet, you really should have by now. The only way to describe it is Back to the Future set in an animated world but with better 'science' and a wider range of drugs influencing the writers. Pocket Morty’s predecessor, Jerry’s Game, was just a balloon popping boring game meant to represent the essence of the character. If you’ve seen the show, you might have realized that Morty is a lot like a pet Pokemon to Rick - Enter Pocket Mortys. You can play this game as of 1/14/16 on iOS or Android.
If there are two things that I’m in tune with it is videogames and kickboxing. I’m one of the rare weirdos who speaks english who has a really solid grasp on the sport of modern kickboxing, which I guess makes me some sort of expert or something. Kickboxing is a deeply strange sport that began gaining momentum in the 1980’s thanks to films like Kickboxer, Bloodsport and Best of the Best, but kinda died off in the US while thriving in Japan and other parts of the western world. So needless to say when I saw that a game was released on Steam this week that was about kickboxing, I was confused.
So you didn't win the big $1.5 billion Powerball. You will have to work yet another day at a job you've loathed from day one. It happens to the best of us. In fact you should have left that place months ago. You're smarter than your boss, you don't like the people you're forced to go to lunch with, and you can't find a polite way to tell Julie from accounting that you never want to look at another picture of her dog dressed up in a 'cute' outfit ever again.
Man, what a shock the world woke up to on January 11th. The death of David Bowie was not something that I was ready for, not by a long shot. He was a guy who left an impact wherever he went, from music to movies and yes, even games. David Bowie’s involvement in games wasn’t substantial, but he was involved in what was, at the time, a rather groundbreaking game in Omikron: The Nomad Soul. What better way to market a game than featuring a soundtrack written and performed by David Bowie, as well as Bowie helping out with some aspects of the game’s story and design?
In the great ether of all energy in all of time and space in this universe and every parallel universe that follows it -- you only exist for a blink of it. In the grand scheme of things, nothing you do will ever be remembered. People may have memories of who you once were and the likes you accumulated on Instagram, but even those will eventually fade off into obscurity. Let's say you had enough money or military control to construct a statue in your honor to let future generations know how much of an egotistical barney you were. On a long enough time span, your marble statue will begin to crumble and eventually erode to beach sand. If you go with bronze or iron, your inanimate self will just wither away from rust and corrosion. According to David de Vries's 'Life After People' that premiered on the History Channel, the final remaining relic of humanity that is sturdy enough to withstand time will be Mount Rushmore, and even that only has a 10,000-year life span. On an even longer time frame, our sun will dwindle to a white dwarf star and then fade into the background temperature of the universe. The Earth, without a sun to keep it alive, will stop its rotation and tumble through the universe as a cold, forgotten rock.
I have no qualms with openly talking about how much I love science fiction. In fact, I’ve kind of dedicated myself to being immersed in the world of science fiction and writing sci-fi books. Science fiction has gripped the box offices ever since the advent of Star Wars in the late 70’s and the world of videogames has been no different in its undying love for science fiction games. In a way, videogames are the perfect outlet for science fiction to come to life. Entire immersive worlds can be created, elaborate backstories explored and it all serves as the perfect backdrop for futuristic heroes to save the world/galaxy/universe.
Virtual Reality has been a viral hit over the past year, with videos featuring everyone from security guards to dads to grandmothers checking out VR and being blown away by it. No doubt, VR is pretty incredible and there have already been talks of it being the hottest new technology that will change lives when consumers can get their hands on it. The biggest question mark has been the price and release date, with many believing that the $300 - $400 range would be where we’d see consumer headsets launching at. That price itself comes from the cost of Oculus Rift’s dev kits.
When I look back at 2015 there are a lot of games that stick out in my mind for being great, but one of those wasn’t created by a huge studio and didn’t involve me killing much of anything. Instead, it was a contemplative journey through a fascinating story and it has been divisive among the gaming world, much like many other games that play similar to it. This game is Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture. By now you’ve undoubtedly heard the term “walking simulator” assigned to games such as Rapture, you may have even dismissed it or similar games because of that title.
No, ladies and gentlemen. Not only do #BlockLivesMatter -- but #ALLShapesMatter. Granted, the entire Block Lives Matter movement would mean nothing if there wasn't a disproportionate number of blocks killed in comparison with the other shapes. Therefore saying #AllShapesMatter disregards the very real concern that blocks are getting unjustly murdered on the streets.
The second annual The Stoned Gamer Awards -- in the same month as our second The Stoned Gamer Tournament. All of this stoned tomfoolery happening at a record-setting pace -- and my mother doesn't even know I'm in the cannabis industry. Let's keep it like that, stoned gamers. If you feel like obsessing over someone, direct your attention to Kristin Kreuk. She can use a couple stalkers in 2016.
Of course we're just kidding. Don't stalk Kristin Kreuk. Leave that to me -- I've been doing it for over a decade.
We’ve pointed it out before, but damn, was 2015 a great year for games. That being said, not everything was roses when it came to our hard-earned cash. Sure, everyone has their share of complaints for games like Halo, Metal Gear and Fallout, but in the end, those games were still enjoyable and hit most of the right notes for fans. So what game was full of hype only to deliver next to nothing and quickly slip away from view? The Order: 1886.