Biome is a game that you always wanted to exist, but were simply too afraid to learn enough code to start making it. You wasted your time following the fabricated drama of America's Next Top Model while living on a steady diet of Devil's Food Cake cookies. In this scenario 'you' is another way of saying myself -- and at the end of the day we're all just one in this infinite multi-verse that we call life. At least that's what Genki Sudo told me.

'WHY NOT' made by indie game developer Takaorii would be a lot more enjoyable if I didn't have to explain exactly what it is. The entire concept of a definition seems so -- definite. That's not how 'WHY NOT' works. Heck, 'WHY NOT' may just be one elaborate troll job to get writers across the world to capitalize the words 'WHY NOT.' Pretty soon the world will no longer remember why 'WHY NOT' is in caps and it will just become part of our lexicon -- and in the end it will all be Takaorii's fault.

This top ten list exists based on my sheer disbelief that I could find ten separate video game controllers that were physically turned into pipes. That means there are at least ten people on this planet that could have mass produced their creation on Etsy and chose full creative freedom over capitalism. Great for you, that's rather noble. Now we're going to steal all your ideas and make an ignorant amount of money with them. Your thoughts will provide me with a pair of officially licensed Back to the Future II sneakers. Thank you, your thoughts. Sincerely, my thoughts.

Somehow I stumbled on cacti, woke up hungover, was hauled to dodgy strip clubs, and ate plutonium-laden breakfast burritos for four years of my life and ended up with a BA in Religious Studies from The University of Arizona. Still to this day I don't know how I successfully double majored when my memories from college consists of using 7-11's coffee hot water to make bowls of Ramen noodle inside the convenience store. In fact you don't know convenience until you're flicking packs of 'Chicken flavor' while simultaneously buying the cheapest vodka to get a headache to the next morning.

Sonic eating Tails. Tails eating Sonic. Peach consuming Mario whole and storing him in her belly. These are the many dimensions of vore, the fetish of illustrating (mostly) video game characters being swallowed alive and apparently enjoying it. Technically that's called 'soft-vore,' with 'hard-core vore' being characters violently ripped apart as they travel down another character's esophagus. Yes it's a real thing, and yes you need to know about it, stoned gamer.

This article would have come sooner if it weren't for the colossal wave of anxiety that overwhelmed me while exploring the endless void of the Mega Man universe. It spans over 6,000 years and between two parallel universes, one of which depicts a reality where networks and computers flourished over robotics. There's been a canon written on the Mega Man universe over the past two decades, and as with any religious texts, the history is divided into 'classical' and 'modern.' See, you already know more about the history of Mega Man than you thought you would when you woke up this morning. Congratulations.

In this society we live in that's been honed by generations of ridicule and failed ideas, being a Street Fighter nerd is more acceptable than being a Magic The Gathering geek -- and it's all attributed to fear.

Sometimes I sit alone at my desk in incredibly deep thought, wondering what the planet would be like if Tank Girl never was released in 1995. Would we still grasp onto our current aesthetics of a post-apocalyptic landscape? Unfortunately those thoughts are often interrupted when I realize my Trader Joe's vegetable Indian things were in the oven too long. I used to know what they were called, but the only description I can come up with is Indian hot pockets. Not to be confused with Urban Dictionary's 'Indian Hot Pocket' which can only be described as a horribly disgusting post-buffet sex act.

In a perfect universe, 2013 Miss Norway would be the President of the United States, vegan marijuana edibles would be subsidized by the government, the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would have never been made, Hypercolor shirts would be required for every street gang, and all game developers would realize that fast-twitch arcade gameplay on a mobile device is just entirely too neurotic for the average stoned gamer.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014 00:00

Behold, the world's first Steampunk PlayStation 4

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I was first introduced to Kyle Miller back in 2011 when he made an impromptu steampunk vaporizer for my old site. Seriously, the guy manifested an elaborate Advanced Herbal Matter Diffuser that appeared to be crafted from the leftover juice of Tim Burton's brain. I'm fairly certain the brain contains juice, although I've never drank any of it. I don't like my beverages tasting intelligent, give me the dumb stuff that's going to set humanity back 500 years -- like Brawndo.

The only reason I know The Wolf Among Us is not just a good game, but an emotionally gripping and well-crafted epic is due to my friend having a severe nervous breakdown inside the confines of my living room midway through Episode 4. Only it was the kind of mental implosion that's reserved for individuals who heroically crossed the barriers of this dimension through the use a highly-potent psychedelic. My friend, however, was only under the influence of marijuana. Well, marijuana and Fabletown.

The worst trip I've ever witnessed from a psychedelic was so intense that the person gave up all drugs and became a devout Christian the very next day.

And let's face it, who doesn't like teddy bear explosions and skull swords?

If any intellectual property has aliens or time travel wedged in then it has my undivided attention, unless Kristin Kreuk walks in my field of vision. Then I would have to pitch my idea of her collaborating with Mobb Deep to produce a song called 'There's no such thing as half-way Kreuks' based on a lyric from their 1995 hit 'Shook Ones.' Sure I'll eventually get to the part where I reveal I'm her soul mate and that her life was designed solely to meet me, but in the meantime we will need to stick with esoteric hip-hop mash-ups.

Every time I read the term 'procedurally generated world,' I can't help but think it's just a game developer's way of telling their audience that everyone inside the studio took an incredible amount of mescaline and the potpourri of dimensions they witnessed will be translated directly into the game. At least one can only hope that's the case -- one day we'll get a developer to admit their entire game was inspired by a psychedelic trip, but in the meantime we'll just make wild assumptions and accept them as truth. Just like FOX News.

I would rather my worst enemy be deported to the Galapagos Archipelago only to be thrown inside a volcano and on the way down have his eyeballs plucked out by every one of Darwin's finches than to deal with one day of anxiety.

Remember those times when you were a kid and you spent your summer nights imagining what it would be like to fit snugly inside of a toaster? If you answered yes to that, then my god you needed a hobby when you were a kid. Something to take your mind off the sensation of being burned with molten iron coils contained within a plastic box assembled in China. Claustrophobia never was a problem for you. In fact you would prefer to sit in the middle of the backseat during long road trips. Sun screen meant nothing to you.

Hatred is a game about being armed to the brim with a seemingly infinite amount of ammunition and slaying every bipedal human you see -- and that makes it like nearly every other game that's been released in the past two decades.

The primary attribute of an astute stoned gamer is to discover the perfect equilibrium between being stoned and gaming, and then remain there for the rest of your natural (and unnatural) life. If one can achieve this perfect state of being, the universe will shower down cosmic rewards, usually in the form of $5 bills found in the pockets of long-forgotten jeans along with highly-discounted games nestled in the corners of Gamestop. That's what you can look towards if you're a stoned gamer, and for most the future looks bright.

In this world there are stoners, gamers, and stoned gamers. If someone you meet doesn’t fit inside those categories then you probably shouldn’t be friends with them. Besides, they will never be able to create or appreciate ridiculous pieces like the ones on our list of ‘The Top Ten Super Mario Smoking Devices That Nintendo Definitely Doesn’t Know About.'

"Hohokum", a game filled with colors, creatures, and dives into what every stoner loves, exploring. Before "No Man's Sky" is able to satisfy that need for an infinite amount of time (as featured previously on TSG), this Playstation exclusive may give your attention span exactly what it needs to stop bothering you at night (and during the day). Hohokum gives a player the boundaries of their screen of choice but outside of that, you can find yourself giving people rides to the water park or activating mushrooms to interact with the characters around you or just to light the screen up with different colors. Collecting eyeballs for the old hippie guy in the first level enables you to become part of this collective unit. You are part of the game because you allow the wheels to turn. While everything might not be gloomy when you first come into the level, you're still making things happen, in some strange way.

Back in 2010 I submitted a story to Choose Your Own Adventure of a guy that had to leave his entire family behind to become an MMA fighter. This is when I still owned MiddleEasy, the world's biggest independent MMA site. Yes, that was a shameless plug for my former site -- but now I have to focus on TheStonedGamer and leave the past behind, like when Dr. Brown realized he didn't want to go to his original time in Back to the Future 3.

One day we will live in a world in which a committee of elders will get together inside a masonic temple and develop a storyline for Geometry Wars. It will foretell the end of the universe and accurately give us a model on the meaning of reality and what it is to exist. It will be the greatest story every told, as well as the most factual account of our own origins. When that day comes, humans will fully comprehend the concept of peace and the entire practice of war will cease to exist. Even its definition will be completely eradicated from the dictionary. Currency will be abolished, poverty will be a thing of the past, and nitrogen in the atmosphere will be replaced with THC. This is utopia, stoned gamer, and it all begins with Geometry Wars.

If you're reading this then there's a good chance that I will beat you in any Crucible match in Destiny. If the game allowed solo PvP, then forget about it. You have a greater chance of growing a prehensile tail than defeating me at any competitive match-up in Destiny. Seriously, if any of you guys are playing on Xbox Live and want my personal gamertag to evaluate these claims, let me know in the comment section and I'll happily provide it. Folks, it's not arrogance if it's true. Step your game up, young FPS padawan.

Grand Theft Auto V may be hitting your next-gen console of choice at some point in 2015, but its predecessor undoubtedly has the largest modding community from any open-world game in history. This list could have easily been a top 100, but that would require far too much of my time, and I have an ample amount of Destiny to play today. Besides, I would have to edit that snazzy 'Top10List' graphic I made for the banner, and no one want to see that happen. Stop trying to make me do more work than what's necessary. My head hurts already, and I blame this all on you.

However I did make this list of The Top Ten GTA IV mods that were probably created by stoners, because at the end of the day you mean so much to mean. More than taking a shower in the morning, or brushing my teeth. You don't mean more to me than the bagel I just ate, since that came first in today's line-up. It was tasty. Now check out this wonderful and exclusive top ten list, only at TheStonedGamer.com.

9.1 Game Rating - FIFA 15

Do you like the Batman Arkham and/or the Assassin’s Creed series? If so, stop reading. Go buy Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor right now. Put down the spliff, get off of your sofa and get to your local video game store now. Or even better, download the game in digital form on PC/Xbox One/PS4. If you are looking for an epic game with the best fighting mechanics you have ever used and some stealth, this is it.

Poor Wii. It's like it never had the chance to be upgraded to a next-gen console. Still, with games for like Super Smash Bros, Hyrule Warriors, Mario Kart 8, and the new Legend of Zelda which is scheduled to debut in 2015 for the Wii-U, it still may be more enjoyable than anything Sony and Microsoft are offering at this point. Still, with a 2013 launch date, slumping sales, and lack of developer support, the Wii-U missed the next-gen boat -- but they don't care. They're friggin' Nintendo. At the end of the day, they deal the cards for the entire gaming industry to follow.

I think we all need to come to an agreement that Bioshock was one of the most ground breaking first-person shooters to ever be released, and while Bioshock Infinite was a beefy sequel (we don't count Bioshock 2 being an actual sequel, for various reasons), it wasn't as robust of an experience as the original. That's all being based on my ability to discern the ending of Bioshock Infinite far sooner than the first game. Anyone that has followed any of Gene Roddenberry's work could see the quantum physics angle coming from a mile away -- or perhaps it saw us coming from a mile away. Technically we saw each other coming from a mile away and 10,000 miles away. The spatial realm is pretty irrelevant in quantum theory -- but you're a stoned gamer, you already knew that.

Quite frankly I'm not sure who or what informed me that Qora was released on Steam a few days ago, but if someone told me that I manifested the game out of my sheer desire for an experience like this, it wouldn't be that far fetched.

Saturday, 04 October 2014 00:00

The Top Ten Pokemon Bongs In Pokemon Bong History

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My ex-girlfriend took all her stuff from my place, including the Nintendo 3DS and Pokemon X&Y that I bought her as a present. Therefore my mind has been stuck in this weird state in which every Pokemon I see embodies something horrible about her. That's why I was hesitant about writing this list. I knew it would ultimately lead to me stalking her Facebook page. Good thing she blocked me -- or else she would have received an awkward 'Hey! So I was just thinking about you...' message later tonight. Don't worry, I'm over her -- that's why this list of 'The Top Ten Pokemon Bongs In Pokemon Bong History' is meant for you guys, not her. It was never about her.

Sometimes I think the meaning of life is just a very long realization that I will never be able to date Kristin Kreuk. That's all life wants me to get from this entire experience, simply my complete understanding that Kreuk and I will never cross paths. If that's the true meaning of my life, then I reject it. There will be a day when I eventually meet Kristin Kreuk -- and when that day comes, I'll play it off like I don't even know her.

I'm the only maniac that would start an entire video game site without owning a next-gen console. Granted, I do have in possession a hefty amount of next-gen marijuana from Los Angeles, so in the end it balances the stoned gamer equation. The real question you have to ask yourself is would you rather have the highest grade of cannabis ever made or the most technologically-advanced console on the planet. You can only choose one in this hypothetical universe I just created. Failure to do so will result in the death of all newborns and toddlers -- and no one wants that on their resume.

I hope I live to see the day when accomplishments like 'I participated in the beta of Ultima Online' is widely-viewed as a distinct attribute in a human being.

The longer we progress down the path of video games, the more haphazard incidents we'll witness of stoners modifying their console of choice with weed ornaments. It's not about aesthetic perfection as much as it's about showing your friends and family that you've illustrated your undying love for marijuana in the most flamboyant way possible. The flexibility to manifest a gaming console into a piece of art is something that only becomes apparent when you're three bong hits into your Monday afternoon. To honor these ambitious feats of shrine building, we've created a list of The Top Ten Most Unnecessary Weed Modifications to an Xbox 360, only on The Stoned Gamer.